The podcast launched on Monday and was really very successful. I had 560 downloads in the first 24 hours. Things are continuing to go well and as of the afternoon of the fifth day, I am at 1445 downloads. The first episode with my husband Eric, actually has 930. I was reading that a podcast episode is in the top 50% if it gets 136 downloads and top 20% if it gets 1100 downloads in 30 days, and I am only at 5 days. Wow!

Those first three days, I was really flying high. There was tons of positive feedback on Facebook and I was even interviewed by 2 different local news stations. I could barely even sleep the first night as I had to keep looking at my download numbers. Many people reached out, wanting to tell me their sad stories. It really helped me to listen and try to offer whatever help I could. I set up many interviews to be done over the next few months. All of this is such good news, great news even.

However, this afternoon, things aren’t feeling as great. The download numbers are not changing every 2 minutes like they were, and I am not hearing from as many new people. I also had my Facebook posts removed from a mom’s group that I belong to because I was ‘self-promoting downloadable material.’ That actually caused the tears to flow once again. Is that what it looks like to the outside world? Does it look like I am somehow trying to use Andy’s death for my own gain?

Oh my word! I pray that this is not the impression I am giving to others. There is not even a tiny bit of me that wanted to do this. I did not want death to invade my perfect family. I was so happy with my pediatric practice, my 800 patients and my very close family. This is nothing compared to what I had before. In my mind, I want to help care for other people again, for families. I want to do one last thing, the only thing I can do with my son, Andy.

I know that tomorrow probably will be a better day again, but the roller coaster will continue for a long time. At least I am not always in the valley anymore. The roller coaster may be located in the valley and start in the valley, but at the peaks I can see out to the rest of the world.