It is hard to believe that 13 months ago today, I was starting my first day without my beloved son, Andy. We were rear-ended in our van, and Andy was killed instantly. My other son, Peter and I had concussions as well. Peter was hospitalized overnight, and our whole family stayed in his room. I don’t think we could bear to be apart at all. Kathryn and Peter slept on and off, especially Peter as he had to be medicated for a migraine. Eric and I barely slept, alternating between crying softly and wailing uncontrollably.
We both almost immediately thought of the same memory of a 7 year old Andy proudly showing me a picture he had drawn of the family. That picture had only four people in it and not the five that were actually in our family. I pointed this out to Andy wondering who he could have forgotten to draw. His reply haunted me at the time. ‘I’m not in the picture, Mom. I’m in heaven. I’m not going to grow up all the way.’
It felt like a punch to the gut. I immediately cried out to God, telling Him that this could not be true. It affected me so much because he seemed so sure and so calm when he said it. I think that I knew at that moment that it would happen. Of course, this is exactly what happened. My 14 year-old Andy, who had not quite started puberty, did not grow up all the way and will be forever 14.
That day and so many after that, I was numb, relying on so many others to do even the most routine things. I had to have my friends help write everything down because my mind was so foggy that I could not remember anything. I did not cook for weeks, and did not cook regularly for months. In those early days, I even had my best friend come help me do my hair. It felt as if life could never be better at all and would not even go on.
Of course, that is not true. Life did move on and the seasons changed. Ever so slowly I felt that I was getting just a bit better. Initially, people brought me all sorts of books on grief and child loss. In fact, we even got eight copies of the book, Lament for a Son, but I could read none of the books. I could not concentrate and reading about grief was about the last thing I wanted to do.
Eventually, though, I did start reading those books, and even decided that I would join the 21st Century and start listening to podcasts about grief. There are some very good podcasts about grief, but although I kept looking, I could not find one about grieving a child. I had my husband, a self-proclaimed podcast junkie, look as well, and there was nothing.
Suddenly, I felt that I was meant to start one. It seemed completely crazy as I am not technically savvy at all, but I knew that is what I was meant to do. I went along for the next couple of months fighting against this feeling because it seemed so crazy. It was a conversation with a friend though that finally convinced me. As well-meaning as she was, she kept saying that she was imagining what I felt like and what I would be able to do in the future. Initially, I almost believed her and felt destined to live a certain life, but then I realized that she couldn’t know what I felt like, no one could and that my future was not written.
I was, and am, continuing to improve bit by bit every day. I still love my Andy just as much as I did when he was alive. My love did not die with his death. However, it is so much better going through this grieving process together as a community of parental grievers. We can more easily understand each other and start to heal together. On one hand, we are not the same people who we were before the deaths of our children, but in other ways we are. We need to work together to show this to each other, as well as to others who care for us. This is what my podcast hopes to accomplish.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to share real raw feelings of your grief journey. Tho it’s incredibly difficult it’s also a way to share about your son and keep his memory alive AND walk alongside other parents & families dealing with one of the most horrible grief journeys. My son was 11 when he was tragically killed in a car accident almost 18 years ago…Please know you’re being prayed for and thank you again for choosing to help others through their grief journey.
Thank you for sharing your story.. We don’t have the same situation at all but my son was diagnosed with terminal cancer in February, he’s only 5 years old. It’s been very hard to deal with. It’s like a nightmare that will never go away. They told us he has 3-9 months to live. So sorry for your loss!
My heart breaks for you. Enjoy every moment that you can. Lots of videos if possible. I love being able to listen to Andy’s voice. He made a few videos on my phone when I did not notice so I had not erased them. Oh, how I cherish them now. I so wish that I had kept every one of them. Know that my prayers will be with you. Please keep me updated.
Sending love and hugs. We lost our 21 month son to cancer 8 years ago. Prayers as you face this terrible time
We who have lost a child grieve for every family that has lost a child. There is no other experience in life that parallels this and the pain runs so deep for so long. This thanksgiving will be 19 years that we said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl Anna Evaleen. Our other kids, who were born years after her return to heaven, speak of her with love and belonging because we continue to speak of her all the time. Our prayers go out to you and your family, and thank you for this pod cast! What a blessing! Andy is certainly proud of you for reaching out to all of us!
Our son died of SIDS 21 years ago at age 2 months. Sept. 10 was the anniversary of his death and this weekend my daughter got married. As did her sister, she carried a charm with John’s picture on her bouquet. Grief never goes away. It just changes. The advise I give to those friends of families that have lost someone is: Talk about the dead child by name…Parents, siblings think about him everyday. You are not reminding families about their loved one, you are honoring the child by calling them by name. Hearing you know I really miss John soothes me, not bringing up a bad memory.
That is such great advice. With the launch testers, I was interviewed by two local news stations. I said that very thing to both of them, however, it did not make the final edit. It should probably be said sometime in every single episode.
Such a big fear that I have and I know that other parents feel the same way is that our children will be forgotten. Talking about them keeps their memories alive!
This is especially true with the death of a baby. Hardly anyone had met John. My neighbors were fabulous as was my 3yo daughter. John was our 6th child and he carpooled to activities at 5 days old. Sarah would hold his bottle when he needed one, even at 3yo. Sarah talked about John all the time after his death. Out of the mouths of babes. Sarah saved me (as did my other children) and my grandson healed me. I had not held a baby in 18 yrs. . I always had trouble being around 2 mo babies and children that were the age that John would have been. We moved to another state 8 months after John died. So my new acquaintances did not even know that John existed. That was very hard. As I said all of our journeys are different, but there is forever a bond between those that have lost a child.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Hugs for sharing your story. It is both difficult and cathartic. Is this blog only for parents who have lost young children? I recently lost an adult son and this grief does not seem to be recognized the same as losing a minor child. Maybe it isn’t, but there aren’t many resources for those who have lost adult children. Blessings to you in this endeavor.
Thanks for the encouragement. I will definitely be talking with people who have lost adult children as well. We do discuss this to a certain extent in Episode 2 and will be more in depth in upcoming Episode 5. I also have a great guest in mind to have in an upcoming week. I especially think it would be difficult when someone’s daughter-in-law/son-in-law might start dating again. What a struggle that must be.
I mam sorry for your loss. Over my 8 years since loosing my 21 month old son, I have learned that it doesn’t matter how old they are, you have lost your CHILD! I had a 97 year old patient that buried her 72 year old son. The sadness she shares is much like the sadness I had when I lost my son. If you have not done so, please look up the Compassionate Friends group in your area. It is a support group for people who have lost a child of any age!
Dianna,
Its been years since you wrote this comment, I am thinking and hoping your pain has somewhat subsided. I lost my adult son, on my birthday June 26, 2016. I had seen him for about 20 minutes, 4 hours later his best friend called to say he went over the cliff in Malibu on Mulholland Hwy and was gone.
There are so many variables in child loss, in the womb, infant, child, and adult loss. Each one holds its magnitute of suffering and pain in their own way. For myself, it was the loss of hope, we had made it, a well rounded loved by many. Andrew turned out a fine young man. All the effort, and work, my sacrifices as a single mom for what? The journey….long and hard.
If you or anyone would like to reach out, I’m at litabnta@ Gmail.com. To all of you I wish peace and healing and love.
Thank you for creating this website and podcast. I just listened to the first episode tonight. I’m sorry you lost Andy. He truly sounds like an amazing young man. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since our 19 year old son, Zeke, tragically in a car wreck. It’s so unbelievable. I am thankful for this.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Zeke. I would love to hear more about him sometime. Feel free to email me at marcy@andysmom.com. Know that there is a whole community of grieving parents out here who would love to support you.
alwaysandysmom,
Thank you for finding a way through your grief to help others through their grief. I too am a Andrews mom, much love to you and your family.