‘I think I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy. I am definitely going crazy!’
These are the thoughts that would go through my head starting several weeks after Andy’s death and peaking about 6 months afterward. Now, thankfully, these weren’t actual voices that I was hearing, but that voice in my head, the one that used to motivate me to try something hard, was now always negative. I think that I used to start almost every conversation with my therapist along these lines.
“I am going crazy.”
Her response: “You are not going crazy. I promise. This is completely normal.”
Sometimes, I probably believed her, but other times, I would then think, ‘But you don’t know what is going on in my head. It may be normal to feel like you are going crazy, but I really am.’
I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t act like myself. I felt like I no longer recognized myself. That must mean that I had completely lost it. I wondered if I would ever recover or if I would keep spiraling downward.
The good news is that the spiraling did stop, I did start to improve and actually began to realize that what I was truly feeling was a bombardment of emotions all at the same time. Initially, I had overwhelming sadness mixed with anger and then, numbness. Everything was too intense so my mind stopped trying to handle it all and replaced it with numbness. I would have moments where I would almost forget what had happened. That was my body’s way of protecting me from what I could not handle.
Over time, though, I guess my brain thought I was stronger and that I could deal with more. That’s when my mind started to feel all of those emotions, seemingly hundreds of emotions at the same time. I thought that this could not possibly be normal. As time was going on, I was feeling more, not fewer emotions, and, overall, worse, not better. Now, I realize this makes complete sense, but at the time, I did not. I actually was getting stronger. The emotions had been present all along, just tucked away, hidden until I could deal with them. My body just protected me until I could handle them better.
This topic is what Gwen and I discuss in today’s episode, those emotions, and the way they make us feel. These feelings are a normal part of the grieving process. This is why it is so helpful for grievers to be in community with each other. Hearing that others have similar struggles can help normalize them. Joining a support group or reaching out to people on social media can give that sense of community. Hopefully, I can help do that by allowing people to follow Always Andy’s Mom on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.
Just because experiencing these multitude of emotions are a normal part of grieving, however, does not mean that we should not get professional help. Remember my therapist above? I needed her to be able to reassure me every week, and to really ask those tough questions. I needed (and still need) someone from the outside who would tell me when she thought I should start or increase medication, to make sure I was getting enough sleep, and to tell me if/when I needed psychiatric help. It can, and does, help, and certainly, as grieving parents, we need all the help we can get.
I went back to work after Adam’s death very quickly, a week and 3 days to be exact. He died on the Saturday of Spring Break, so the kids were off for a week and then went back to school. My husband went back to work too and I didn’t want to be home alone with this numb/shock/grief. I am a therapist and I remember that first day sitting with a particular client. As she was talking, the voice in my head kept saying “Adam is dead. Adam is dead.” Nearly 4 years later there are times that I still have to shake myself to realize the reality of this tragedy.
I so understand. I repeated, “Andy is dead” over and over in my mind as well. I think it is because I really just didn’t believe it.
Your podcasts have been so helpful. I was in the depths of depression after loosing my daughter, Tracy. She was born with cerebral palsy. Was effected mentally & physically. So, from the beginning she required more care than a normal child. Her father left the family when she was 10 so her total care came to rest on my shoulder entirely.
Unfortunately, she passed away the end of March 2019. She died suddenly from a cerebral hemorrhage in the back of her head. She was 49.
I was able to donate her 2 kidneys, liver & skin to Gift of Life. It was the best decision in a horrible situation. Three people got to live from our loss. Which to me was a blessing.
I was pretty much grieving alone because my husband is her stepfather. He felt the loss but not as deeply as I had. I am fortunate to have close friends who was there for me but couldn’t fully understand since they had not lost a child.
So, listening to your podcast has made all the difference. Listening to other mothers expressing their grief helped me to see my feelings were normal. My therapist couldn’t believe the improvement in me in just a couple of months. I recommended your podcast to her which she has shared with other clients. I actually could get out of bed & tried to do one thing a day.
My biggest enjoyment is making quilts. I had one started when Tracy passed away & all my desire stopped. I could see It waiting for me everyday but could not bring myself to work on it. The simplest things became overwhelming. Now, I am happy to say that last month I started working on it again. It is bringing me a great deal of joy again.
You’re podcast seemed to address my feelings. Helped me see that others feel the same way.
Thank you for all that you are doing. It does make a difference!
Thank you so much! It is so reassuring to know this is making a difference for people. I am so happy that you are quilting again! You may be interested in this organization. quiltingforkids.org