Losing a child affects us in ways that we never possibly could have imagined. We are quite honestly not the same people who we were before experiencing this profound loss. When today’s guest, Lisa, lost her 19-year-old amazing, talented daughter, Kate, to a rare, aggressive cancer a few months ago, she truly felt lost. She said that she lost confidence in herself. She felt like she couldn’t do anything even to the point that she started feeling like a bad cook and a bad driver.
The guilt and all of the ‘what ifs’ became consuming for Lisa. She found herself focusing on many past decisions. What if they had taken her daughter’s ovary the first time when she had a simple benign cyst? What if they had gone to a different doctor? What if they had done surgeries at different times? Would her daughter still be alive today?
These ‘what if’ questions haunt so many of us, don’t they? They plagued me throughout my grief just as they affect Lisa today. How do we learn to let go of those doubts and questions? There are no easy answers. Others tell us again and again that we did the best we could do and that there is nothing we could have done differently, but learning to accept and believe in ourselves is much more difficult.
I learned from Gwen many years ago that feelings don’t have to be rational to be real. And these feelings, as irrational as they may be, are important to acknowledge. Only by experiencing all of our emotions can we truly begin to heal. We need to slowly and gently go through our irrational feelings and challenge them ourselves. Therapists and support groups can help us along our journey as well.
Through hard work and perseverance grieving parents can and do heal. I have seen it in myself and so many others through these past six years. I can tell a funny story about Andy now without overflowing tears. The grief is still there, certainly, but it is no longer all-consuming and I experience more moments of peace. I know, too, that someday when Lisa thinks about Kate, the first thing that will come to her mind will be her amazing smile and personality and not the doubts that flood her mind today.
Thank you for letting me share my Kate with your podcast. You are a wonderful person and have allowed many grieving mothers the chance to talk about their children. I am grateful to you and your podcast Always Andy’s Mom.
Lisa,
I was so moved by your participation in the podcast. I am not a person who can express herself well with words. My heart aches for you. I don’t know if you are aware that our daughter, Janet, died fours years ago. I quickly became aware that you cannot compare deaths. Janet was fifty-four. We had her some much longer then you had Kate. I remember Kate running around your house during GCE events. Janet had Glioblastoma multiforme so there was no question from the time of her diagnosis that there was only a miniscule chance of survival. After two brain surgeries and two courses of radiation she succumbed 21 months after diagnosis (14 months is the average life span after with the cancer). She had the best of care and like Kate was an athlete. She was a runner and ran many marathons and continued to run up until about 5 weeks before she died.
Of course you will worry about your other children. I’m always concerned about my son and daughter and the grandchildren. It took me a couple of years to convince Jill (you met her at a GCE picnic) to have a routine colonoscopy after she was fifty. Worried the entire time as there is a history of colon cancer in my family. She is fine. Don’t think men react the same way with worry. At least Mickey doesn’t but maybe just keeps it inside more.
Janet was an animal lover and we had hoped she would become a vet but it was not to be.
She loved birds and followed eagle cams. She lived in Washington, DC. Once she dragged me the arboretum to see nesting eagles. I could not follow her up to the viewing spot where they were not there anyway. But when she came down she spotted them in the sky. That would happen many times from her childhood on. When she was in hospice in her apartment there was a robin hanging around outside of her apartment that was inspiring to see.
Janet had two snakes in her pet free co-op. One of her last cognizant acts was to feed them. (Jill has the snakes now.)
I know you and Russ will keep Kate’s memory alive as I have tried to do with Janet.
Thank u for sharing your intimate feelings. I appreciate you and feel for you and Russell. This is a great exercise for you. Thank you God BLESS