Today’s guest, Michelle, gave me some words of wisdom from her therapist that I will remember forever. Recently, Michelle had an appointment with her counselor and was talking about how her crying was ‘not pretty’. The therapist agreed, saying, “No. Crying is not pretty, but when you are crying tears over the loss of your daughter, the tears are beautiful.”
This makes me think so much about grief in general. I have often described myself over the years as a ‘hot mess’. April and August are my ‘hot mess’ months, April because of Andy’s birthday on the 21st, and August due to the anniversary of his death. Additionally, this past month was extra difficult due to having the second Andy Larson Memorial Concert. For Michelle, April is an extremely challenging month as well. Her daughter Scarlett’s birthday is on April 22nd, and she died after a long cancer journey two days before her 16th birthday on April 20th, 2022.
As we spoke, nearly two weeks before these big days in our lives, we were both a ‘hot mess’, but I wonder now if that truly is the ugly mess that I always envisioned. I remember a few months after Andy died when I first heard the term ‘lament’ used with my grief. I learned that what I called the ‘bad’ cry or the ‘ugly’ cry when I completely lost control and would fall into a weeping heap on the floor, was actually when I was experiencing lament. Learning the term ‘lament’ helped me feel so much better about showing my emotions in that way. Lament is healthy. Lament is spiritual. Lament has a purpose and helps in our healing.
I feel like this conversation with Michelle gave me a similar epiphany. Yes – Michelle and I fully admit that we are each a ‘hot mess’ in April, but I see now that our ‘hot mess’ is not necessarily ugly. We are crying beautiful tears for Scarlett and Andy. We have puffy faces, runny noses, and red eyes. Those tears may not make us look pretty on the outside, but our ‘hot mess’ is truly beautiful as we are freely showing lament while mourning our amazing children.
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